IT'S THAT TIME . . .
THE 1991 "LITTLE MAC" AWARDS
Our awards for dubious achievement in the gaming industry, named in honor of George B. McClellan - for obvious reasons - once again grace the page, albeit with little grace. After almost a decade in mothballs, Little Mac has returned, and he's meaner than a pitbull on crack. Which is probably as good an excuse as any for the (well-earned) approbriums rendered below. This year we think we got everybody at least once. (Well ,we did leave out Don Greenwood, but he was too busy honing his accuracy-in-sales-forecasting skills to disturb.)
THE ALI HAKIM, PEDDLER OF THE YEAR TROPHY . . . to Robert Mossiman, Canadian entrepreneur extraordinaire, and purchaser of virtually every out-of-print (and rightfully so) game he could get his hands on. He scoured the four corners of the world buying unsalable games. Couldn't sell it when it first came out? Mossiman would buy it. Excalibre, Phoenix . . . you name it. If it bombed, the Moss Man bought it. For emptying out every dusty, cobwebbed warehouse in N. America, we give Bankrupt Bob a front row seat at any 3-card Monte game on lower 5th Avenue., along with two slices of pie-in-the-sky.
THE OSCAR WILDE AWARD FOR FELICITIOUSLY WITTY TURNS OF PHRASE . . . to Ty Bomba, for actually saying, in print, "Be There or Be Square". Guess you lost your trip-tik, Ty.
A SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF JOSEPH GOEBBELS . . . to Terry Shrum, for the following quote (attributed to him by a well-placed, but presently-in-hiding source): "Development is a redundant step in the proven (FGA) design/playtesting process". Actually, the word should have been "oxymoronic", Terry, not "redundant".
A FADED TAPE OF "CITIZEN KANE" . . . for the crack editorial staff at Decision Games. Actually, they have managed quite a feat. They've taken three of the cornerstone magazines of wargaming - S&T, F&M and Moves - and so thoroughly trashed them through mismanagement and lack of creative talent that the sheer scope of their "achievement" boggles the mind . . . if there was ever a boggleable mind to being with, which we doubt. Ole Doc' Decision wouldn't have it any other way.
THE JAMES WATTS MEMORIAL PLAQUE FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN MEDIA COMMUNICATIONS . . . to Ed Wimble (Clash of Arms) for this scintillating, Christmas-time radio interview (only partially paraphrased):
Rep: Tell us, Mr Wamble, just what is a wargame or, as you called it, a conflict simulation?
EW: (in his best Bill Stern imitation possible): Well, suppose Napoleon took the road to Mons instead of the road to Brussels . . .
Rep: Ahhhh . . . OK, but would you tell our listeners what is that point of playing a wargame?
EW: Suppose Napoleon took the road to Mons instead of the road to Brussels . . . . .
Rep: Well, uh, OK, and thank you, Mr Womble of Clash of Arms Wargames . . . . and now this word from Preparation "H". . . .
The Wargame Industry thanks you, Ed.
A TAPE OF RONNY HOWARD SINGING, "OH THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A COMIN" . . . to Simulation Design, Inc., for pre-pub selling three games and a set of new Cedar Creek counters, none of which they ever published!! Prof. Harold Hill would have been proud.
A GUEST APPEARANCE IN "CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH, II" . . . to Keith Poulter, for, yet again, having his Origins booth "manned" by the formerly nubile, but now glaringly Rubenesque, Melinda Powell. Lookin' tight in white, selling Boers to boors. You drool on it, you bought it. Melinda, ya broke my heart.
SIX POUNDS OF EX-LAX . . . for Jim Dunnigan and his (and GEnie's) magnum opus non-aroundus, the computerized epic on the 100 Years Wars. Maybe the title refers to the design schedule. Is it soup yet??
A SPECIAL, JIM McKAY, "AGONY OF DA FEET" AWARD . . . to Rodger MacGowan, for attempting to do a half gaynor, 6.4 degree of difficulty, off the mountain, back of his house. Way to go, Rog . . . . He recuperated by watching "My Left Foot".
THE OLIVER STONE, "HISTORY AS FICTION - FICTION AS HISTORY" AWARD . . . to Command Magazine, #13, for putting Godzilla, Death Rays and a Nazi panzer brigade into their "Desert Storm" game. Jonathon Winters plays Stormin Norman, with a guest appearance by Larry Baggett as Gojiro (as they say on Honshu). I demand to see the sources for this!!!
SIX HUNDRED COPIES OF THE WEST END AD FOR "DRUID" . . . to Gene Billingsley, for running the same ad for "Hornet Leader" over, and over, and over, and over . . . lending depth to the phrase ad nauseum and not once putting a word in print for any of GMT's other games. We know things are bad on Mad Ave, Gene, but those chimps in the basement have to go.
AND A SPECIAL SCREENING PF ‘take the money and run” . . . . for Roger Whitney, late of Fresno Games, for his unusual method of dissolving the partnership. According to rumor, he simply withdrew $10,000 from the company till and walked away. He’s scheduled to appear on “America’s Least Wanted”.